#tw mentions of wanting to die

[furiousgoldfish]

(tw mention of suicidal thoughts)

Alright so I am writing this because I can't find anyone to talk to, and my brain is letting me know that I need to talk about it somewhere.

I am falling depressed, and I'm unsure if it's genuine depression, or some sort of deep grief that is just feeling very similar. And I've already looked up what you're supposed to do if you're trying to break out of depression; I am sleeping full 8 hours on a regular sleep schedule, I shower regularly, I do my best to eat regular meals (sometimes it doesn't happen due to lack of energy), if I have any energy left in me, I take a little walk, I pay attention to my surroundings. I do my best to answer messages and to socialize, even superficially, with the people I see.

However, despite me doing all that, the deep feeling of sadness is persevering, in fact it gets worse after my walks, I end up going home in worse feeling of dread than before.

I was going to keep trying to break out of it, and then today something bad and triggering happened, and my mind just went very dark. Like what is even the point anymore? I started considering if anyone around me would be impacted by my suicide. And then just tried to dissociate from the bad thing that happened, tried to create reality in which it didn't. Like I could ignore it out of existence. Like maybe if I just curl up over there and never look at anything ever again, maybe then bad things would go away.

I tried to comfort myself thinking I could, at least, tell people around me and see if anyone would say anything kind or helpful, but people around me did not care at all, would go on about their troubles instead and looked at me like I was weirdo for complaining. Which again, made me feel like talking to people was the worst idea ever and like I was dumb for even engaging, I should have known I'm alone in this.

So now I'm back to sinking down in my grief, occasionally getting numb from it and sinking again. I had periods, years of grief in the past, and it just feels like you're slowly dying, right, and it doesn't stop and it feels suffocating and like you'd do anything for it to stop. But also in the past, I knew what I was grieving; it was the loss of my delusion of family, loss of hope that I will have family members who are in any way safe for me, loss of security and safety that comes with family, acknowledgment that I was abandoned and left with predators for the most of my life. I thought I was done grieving about all that, because for a while I just didn't think about it, and it didn't bother me. I don't think that's what I'm grieving now.

It's actually hard to pinpoint it, because my memories are mostly gone, but I think it's the loss of friendships in my life. I've tried hard to build connections with other people, even as scared and reluctant I was feeling about it, but it always fell trough, and left me feeling with less hope. The ends of friendships were so traumatic for me, that my memories of the entire friendships got deleted. And I can tell right now that hearing anything about people having friends, spending time together and helping each other, that usually sets my grief off, and causes me to start crying regardless of where I am. I tried to recall my past memories of friendships, but all I get back are things I never want to feel or live trough again. Every memory feels like enough reason never to interact with a person again, all of them cut so deep I have to dissociate from them right away.

And basically I don't know what to do. I am losing every bit of my willpower or energy to do anything. Even with my best efforts to stay upright, to interact with my environment and go to walks, I'm only out of bed while I'm working. And I'm randomly bursting into tears and collapsing while I'm doing my job. I am messing up basic tasks. There isn't any activity that isn't exhausting. And everything I cared about feels like nothing to me. I can't even imagine a future, which is usually what I did to pull myself out of bad moods, I would imagine a future where I had a home of my own, and security that I would be able to survive there without having to fight for my life. Now it feels like even if I had that, I would just still want to die.

I've been slowly falling into this place for months, but it is more real today than at any time before. I've put so much effort not to end up feeling like this but... it only makes me more sad to know I'm in this mess anyway. I don't know what to do. I've tried interacting with people, I've tried befriending people, every new interaction feels like it's going to drown me further.

[arttsuka]

Sorry for this super depressing poll but

[letsplaythermalnuclearwar]

Calypso is WILD for saying she brings no pain like living with her for seven years isnt gonna have Ody contemplating ending it all

[swampyswan]

There is something simultaneously sad and also very funny about the Narrator, someone who literally killed himself to create the Construct, be so disgusted by the romantic Thorn route that he wants to die a second time

[pain-is-too-tired]

Trafficking technically being canon in pjo still- it just drives me insane.

Like yeah, it might be one(two if you wanna count ttc opening conflict) instances we see

BUT THAT STILL NOT GREAT

I mean it also is great for fic ideas- surprised I hadn't really seen it- but still.

Just insane to me. It's not even "the Titan Army is paying good money for demigods" it's "Luke Castellan is paying good money for demigods."

Like no matter what way your splice it Luke is at least complicit in it.

I know I get silly when writing him with the Leeluke stuff, but there's a reason I tend to focus on divorce Leeluke

Because it's so hard not to write him getting the consequences of his actions. Because he DOES STUFF LIKE THIS.

Especially with how I write Lee. If Lee found out the Luke was at least complicit in what's pretty much the buying of other demigods, he'd kill him with his bare hands. Being stuck as Kronos' vessel would seem like a mercy compared to how badly Lee would kick his ass.

Anyway... looks at my Fae!Lee/were-coyote!Luke au wip Suddenly that doesn't seem too out of pocket anymore...

[the-names-kam]

i feel like the people who are okay with or even like izzy dying are not listening to the rest of us about why we’re not okay with it. because it’s not just that our favorite character died (which, y’know, we’d still have a right to be upset if that was the case), and it’s not just that it was rushed, and it’s not just that within the show’s own logic it makes no sense.

it’s also that they took his prosthetic leg and made it his tombstone like a prop. it’s that they took the character that tried to commit suicide, explicitly, on screen, and had him die, with one of the last things he says being “i want to go”. it’s that in his last moments he apologizes to his abuser. it’s that his entire arc has been him learning to not be a part of blackbeard, and then he’s treated as the last piece of blackbeard that needs to die for ed to be free. it’s the fact that he did not die for his character arc, he died for ed’s.

izzy did not need to die. it was unnecessary, it was disrespectful, and i will never stop being angry.

[feyres-divorce-lawyer]

somewhere in me there’s a 10 page paper about the abuse of rei todoroki and how often people don’t realize that not all rape is violent

[greeenchrysanthemums]

Joel has a past with Etho, and It is the one secret that he keeps from Lizzie.

The war was still going strong, and Coral Crest just had a victory on the outskirts of their border. They took many prisoners in the aftermath of this long and bloody battle. Among these prisoners was Etho.

By this point in time Etho was pretty infamous and it was a big deal that he had managed to be captured at all, so his arrival at the castle, of course, caused quite the uproar. Joel was too curious for his own good, so he couldn't help but sneak into the dungeon while Lizzie and his father were asleep to see if the rumors were true. He was shocked to find that they were.

Etho struck up a conversation with Joel the second he got close enough to the cell. Joel, who hadn't even realized he had been spotted, was scared at first. However, he couldn't deny his curiosity, so he stayed and talked with him.

Etho admitted to Joel that he got captured on purpose, and that he was just bidding his time until Coral Crest put him on trial and had him killed. He talked about wanting to be free; free from the war, free from Wintertide, just free from it all, and that the only way he thought he would ever find that was through death. Joel asked why Etho was telling him this and he just shrugged and said he was going to die soon anyway so he might as well get it off his chest.

Joel went back every night after that to talk to Etho, fascinated by the strange enemy solider. As time passed, he got to know him, and in turn opened up to him as well. They became friends of sorts, or at least as close to friends as two people on opposite sides of the war could be.

He then realized that he really didn't want Etho to die, something that was inevitable the longer he was in Coral Crest. Months had passed since the initial capture, and they had indeed put him through a trial at this point. His sentence was death, just as Etho had predicted, and the date was fast approaching.

So, Joel did as he does best; he acted brashly and with little to no second thought.

In the dead of night, Joel set fire to one of trees in the courtyard. He had carefully planned it out and made sure that it would not spread to anything else, but it was still enough to cause a panic. While everyone was occupied by the flames, he stole the keys to Etho's cell and set him free.

Etho was confused and at first refused to leave the cell, determined to meet his fate on the gallows, but Joel told him to go have his second chance, make amends, and be free. Etho still wasn't sure, but he eventually caved, unwillingly to let Joel's kindness go to waste.

Somehow, Joel got away with it. He hasn't told a single soul about the deed, because if he did, he would surely be charged with treason. On Etho's part, he never told the tale of how he escaped, because he knew that in doing so, he would put Joel in danger.

Lizzie knows, but she doesn't say anything. She watched Joel sneak out every night, she watched him set the fire, and she watched Etho make his escape into the dark. She kept her silence over the years only because she trusts Joel with her heart and soul; she trusted his judgement enough to keep his secret.

Neither of them could have anticipated that Joel would come face to face with that familiar scarred man when Lizzie sent him to Wintertide to get in contact with the resistance.

[tearrstained]

Staying silent knowing I have plans to kill myself.<<<<

[fungus-no69]

I title this one the weird ass clown guy i found under my shoe

They a bit (a lot) unhinged

[alibonbonn]

Of all mythological characters, Thetis' grief resonates the most with me. The loss of her son is so final, more final than mortals losing each other- mortals might still meet each other in the land of the dead when all comes to pass. Somehow her sorrow feels the most like grieving a loved one who was of a different religion, you know what I mean? Like...we're not going to the same place! and I hope they've made peace with that before their time.

[clovermunson]

might piss off a few people with this little take, but—

billy hargrove was redeemable.

you just don’t like someone who doesn’t fit the “good” trauma survivor ideals.

[averlym]

" just...come here. just sit here with me" (...that one scene from princess momonoke, click for better resolution)

[catinasink]

i don nothave any feasible planso ff committing sui which mameks me even more scared for if any of the pepople i like doi t

[iridiss]

listening to what could have been by sting and thinking about garroth. And I can’t help but wonder what it would look like if the narrative leaned more into the idea of Garroth as a villain. Because his Mystreet counterpart, especially his more recent changes/developments as a jollier, dumber, sillier comedic relief character, can be very misleading when it comes to the idea of thinking of MCD!Garroth as a…wholly good, pleasant person. Canon MCD Garroth isn’t 100% good, he’s morally gray. He’s not evil, he’s someone in the middle who fights for what’s good and what he thinks is good, but just because he fights on the side of good doesn’t necessarily mean he’s a great person. He’s not.

The contrast between him and Laurance is shocking, actually, he and Laurance both have very different opinions and very different approaches when it comes to handling other people, their relationships, and primarily…what they think they deserve. How they get what they want. MCD!Garroth can be very good, he can be a docile sweetheart at times, but he is very much a self-serving man when you take a closer look

When Laurance is stuck in the Nether, Aphmau is desperate to find any way to build a new portal and get him out and save him, and she’s very close to actually going and doing it herself. But Garroth stops her. Garroth is the one that holds her back, tells her to leave Laurance be. It’s likely a cause done out of concern for Aphmau’s own safety, there’s a great deal of risk that comes with bringing back a man who could very well be a Shadow Knight by this point. (though he doesn’t know that at this point, there’s only a mere chance of it!) But nonetheless, he still leaves him behind and refuses to turn back to save him. While he’s gone, he even bands all of the nearby guards and towns in the area to write a brand new law into their Guard Code that states that if a guard is made into a Shadow Knight, it is their sole and sovereign responsibility as a guard to kill themselves after their transformation. So not only has he refused to help Laurance, he has literally written a law, a law that very much binds the loyal and honorable Laurance, that would force Laurance to kill himself the second he comes back. He didn’t try to save him, he created a trap for Laurance to die the second he comes back.

Now of course, that didn’t end up happening and the narrative sorta forgot that ever happened, but I can’t help but notice the contrast when it’s Laurance in his place instead. Garroth severely betrayed Laurance and fucked him over and abandoned him in his/the village’s time of need (the Scaleswind war), and only saved face at the very end when he realized he’d been lied to, but despite all of that, Laurance would die and kill to get Garroth out of the Irene Dimension. Laurance cares for Garroth so fucking much, Garroth attacked him and backstabbed him and Laurance still cared enough to give him a pep talk, to desperately try to get him back, he never gave up on him no matter what. And when Garroth was trapped in another dimension, Laurance was DESPERATE to get him back as soon as possible, at all costs. He snuck out with Aphmau to try to open the portal again at great risk. He consistently talks about how much he misses Garroth. When Aphmau starts having dreams of Garroth—including one where Garroth actually kissed her behind his back, the very same crime that broke Garroth’s heart in the first place—the first thing out of his mouth is “How is Garroth? Is he okay? Is Garroth alright? I miss him. Man, if I could show up in dreams like you, do you think he’d be excited to see me? Do you think he’d be so excited to see me, he would kiss me too?”

What Garroth refused to do for Laurance, Laurance would do for Garroth in a heartbeat. Laurance would die and kill to do everything for Garroth that Garroth decidedly did not do for him. Garroth could kiss Aphmau behind his back all he wanted, and he would still ask Aphmau if Garroth was doing okay.

There’s this sort of tragic, unrequited love and one-sided devotion potential for Laurance x Garroth that I don’t think I’ve seen before. Not like this, anyway. Laurance loves him so, so much. Garroth…does not. Because Garroth’s heart is not centered around others—it’s centered around himself.

And I don’t say that like at all in a damning way! I don’t say that because I hate him and I prefer Laurmau or whatever, I’m talking purely casually to point out the various actions he’s done in canon to analyze a specific portrait of him, a specific take on Garroth’s character, that I don’t think I’ve seen before in the fandom yet. I compare him to Laurance and Aaron not to say “oh they’re obviously the better choice in the ship war,” but to demonstrate that he’s the only love interest of Aphmau’s whose written in a very unique way that is personalized to his character and his individual personality traits. Other love interests of Aphmau have faced the same or similar situations, and they each respond differently. This is how Garroth responds. (and it’s not healthy lmao)

When Garroth sees the illusion of Aphmau and Laurance kissing in the woods—he pointedly does nothing to try to abate the stubborn belief he forms from it. He had literally just seen Aphmau and Laurance three seconds prior, entering the barn. For a party, that he just witnessed the two attend. There’s no way they could have suddenly and immediately left the party and ran off into the woods without him seeing them. And even more so, he had JUST witnessed Aphmau speaking to Nicole about her love life, and outright telling her that she’s not ready for a relationship right now. She just said, five feet away from Garroth, that she wasn’t looking for romance right now. And furthermore, he only ran into the woods because he saw a strange, devious-looking, suspicious figure run in prior, something that should have made the idea of Laurance and Aphmau being there in the first place seem even more suspicious and impossible. Literally anyone in their right mind would have questioned what they saw at least a little bit, considering everything that had just directly contradicted its plausibility. Not to mention the fact that it’d be entirely contradictory to both Aphmau and Laurance’s characters that Garroth has known up to this point to go behind his back and do something like this. Aphmau would never do this, she would never kiss Laurance so soon, that’s…why she didn’t. If he knew Aphmau well, if he trusted her, he would know that, he would have faith in her and question what he saw. He could have gone back to the party and found both of them still there, and asked them about what he just saw, and they would have told him the truth immediately. He could have communicated with them. It would be extremely easy to communicate with them, they could have cleared this issue up in fifteen seconds or less—but that would require Garroth wanting to communicate. It would require him trusting them enough to reach out, to see them for who they are and trust what he sees. That would require him wanting the best possible outcome, the healthiest outcome that still salvages the friendship and allows him to keep Aphmau around as a friend. But he doesn’t. He doesn’t talk to them.

Instead, he decides to avoid them. He isolates himself, they both actually grow extremely worried about him and continuously check up on him, reaching out to him and trying to show him how much they care for him and love him, and he shuts them out every time. He gives them the silent treatment, he doesn’t tell them why he’s angry, he lies when Aphmau asks him what’s wrong, and he turns cold and terse with her, and later even back-handed and borderline mean when speaking to her right before the ultimate betrayal. He becomes extremely petty about the mere possibility of losing this competition over Aphmau and absolutely holds it against them (points even louder to the fact that, before his shadow knight self starts corrupting him ((I have currently only rewatched up to s2 ep19 so my opinion on this may change)), Laurance DID NOT DO THIS AT ALL when faced with the same exact scenario except this time it was REAL, and even Mystreet!Aaron refused to have any part in the “competition” at large and literally talked to Garroth about how stupid and harmful and dehumanizing it is to Aphmau in S3: Lover’s Lane, and that’s why Aphmau “chose” Aaron over Garroth, because he did not treat her like an object to be won, an object he deserved. The competition itself is literally canonically recognized by other characters as petty and selfish and causes more harm than it does good, it hurts Aphmau and it pushes her away from Garroth in Mystreet. Because she’s a person, not a prize, and Garroth is the one character, out of the 3 of them, who canonically struggles the most to remember how much it hurts her and struggles to not treat her like his territory anyway.

I’ve never seen a love triangle series outright state and recognize the inherent dehumanization and harm that comes with the competition over the girl, how it hurts the girl more than anything else, and yet, Mystreet has done it at least in one instance, and I’m really impressed with that. I’m impressed that there is canon backing to the idea that Aaron “won” the shipping war because he didn’t participate in it. He thought the idea was stupid, this thing that controls Garroth like a dog on a bone. Aaron doesn’t give a shit about any “competition,” because he cares more about Aphmau herself and her needs and desires than whether or not he’s gonna score her at the end of the night. Over and over again throughout Lover’s Lane, he refuses to be possessive or jealous over her, he doesn’t give a shit that she’s talking to other men, while Garroth (and laurance, once Garroth convinces him to be curious and worried enough, to be fair) loses his shit over it. Aaron has to continuously remind Garroth, and the rest of her friends, that Aphmau is a person with agency and she is allowed to talk to whoever she wants and he as her boyfriend should ABSOLUTELY NOT CONTROL THAT. He does not OWN her. And that’s why Aphmau gravitates towards him, over Garroth and his more possessive and territorial nature.

Laurance is still more guilty of this sin than Aaron is by participating in the competition itself, but in the Irene Dimension, Laurance still has to smack Garroth upside the head to literally remind him that she is a human being with agency of her own, she is allowed to do whatever the hell she wants with her love life and does not owe them anything, she is not an object that they deserve to earn. Laurance has to tell him that as Aphmau’s guard and friend, it is their duty to support her no matter what she chooses for her love life. That’s something Laurance recognizes that he doesn’t: Aphmau may never choose either of them, she may never choose anyone at all, and it is more important than anything else that they be okay with whatever she chooses because she is their friend, their liege, their Lord. Laurance is okay with whatever she chooses, as long as he can be by her side in some way or another, whether that’s as her lover, her dearest and closest friend, or nothing more than her guard, he reassures her over and over again that he’s okay with whatever. He doesn’t want to pressure her into anything, he doesn’t want to force her to be his. He may flirt with her still just to see her laugh or smile or tease him back or snark him, but he will always respect her boundaries and her wishes over anything else at the end of the day.

But Garroth doesn’t think that way. When his own village goes to war, the lives and safety of his own people that he’s responsible for as their Head Guard is put at immense risk against a seemingly impossible threat (O’khasis + Scaleswind) and he abandons them. Because he’s so incredibly petty about Aphmau ever kissing another man for whatever reason, no matter how impossible, that he cuts all communication with them, cold shoulders them hard, and literally leaves them behind to possibly die. He is not present in the battle. He abandons his duties as Aphmau’s guard completely and leaves her to very possibly die, pretty much as punishment for not letting him win. This shows to me that he is Aphmau’s most devoted guard until it stops benefiting him personally. And its not necessarily because “he just had a broken heart :(“ it’s how he, Garroth, individually responds to his own emotions and how he chooses to treat the people around him the moment he stops getting what he wants. He seems to be a very lawful character, to contrast Laurance being a more chaotic one, but I’d like to argue that he doesn’t follow anyone else’s law but his own. He follows what serves him, and if devoting himself to Aphmau is what serves him in the moment, then he’ll devote himself to that at the cost of anyone else. But if it serves himself to ditch Aphmau in her hour of need, then he will stubbornly and absolutely follow that at the cost of anyone else, including her and her life and wellbeing. Laurance and Aaron would have chosen to communicate and likely already have done in similar situations throughout the Aphverse canon. Garroth refused to, to the point of pointedly choosing to turn his back on Phoenix Drop and potentially let them die because of how damn stubborn he was. Now, he likely would regret it if the battle did end up going poorly and Garroth came back to find Aphmau and Laurance and all of Phoenix Drop killed and razed to the ground by Zane and Scaleswind, but thankfully Aphmau was able to pull everything together in his absence and he didn’t have to face the consequences of his actions too badly.

If Aphmau chose Garroth, Laurance would still spend the rest of his days by their side as their close friend. If Aphmau chose Laurance, Garroth would ditch her and leave her to die. apparently. that is uh. not great. maybe we go to therapy instead actually (and I can’t help but wonder why he would think that way! this is more headcanon land than anything else but perhaps garryboy picked up some nasty thought habits and beliefs from his time as a prince? Garte passing down the toxic family traits down onto him inevitably maybe)

But he ditches Zane when Zane stops serving him, as well. Zane has been terrorizing and harming the people he cared for most for ages now, and even still, he preferred to side with him, and I honestly think it’s because Zane’s narrative justified his decision to punish Aphmau by pushing her away. Zane allowed him to let go of his conscience, despite Zane being most certainly the sketchiest man alive that Garroth surely knows is a liar and a manipulator and a criminal out to hurt his loved ones by now. But Zane is still the only person alive that would give Garroth justification to be his worst self and enable his behavior, so that’s who he gravitates towards. Zane happily enables his brother’s worst self, and it can be argued that Garroth is happy to be enabled, and mostly certainly enables Zane’s worst in turn. The bad influence brothers! Sometimes they make each other so much worse <3

There can be an argument made that Garroth left his kingdom behind in a similar vein, because it didn’t serve him personally to marry someone he didn’t want. He was the only heir left to a kingdom that ended up falling without him, leaving his father to die under Tu’la’s invasion and allowing for his mother to be kidnapped. His people need him, he has a responsibility to them, a duty that he refused to tend to, because he didn’t want to. I think that might be at least similar to what Laurance was trying to get at, by calling him shitty for abandoning his duty as a Prince and wanting to return him to O’khasis?

When he’s in the dreams with Aphmau, he does kiss her without consent. It’s 1000% fair to be argued that he only does that because he isn’t sure if it’s a dream!! He doesn’t really know if that’s Aphmau herself or just a figment of his imagination and he regrets not having done it sooner, so im absolutely not pointing that out as like a black and white He Did An Indisputably Bad Thing And He Should Be Cancelled For It thing, there’s nuance. I point it out because if you want a Good Boy Garroth take, it can be argued that it’s a romantic thing he does because he misses her and he’s distraught that he didn’t get the chance to do this in life and he very well might never get to see her again so he should confess his feelings to her now before he loses her again, and also it’s a fucking psuedodream. But if you want a Bad Man Garroth take, there’s. Definitely!! Something to be said about how like!! How he doesn’t ask, he doesn’t specify or give any sort of clarification beforehand. How he doesn’t care for a single second whether or not she would actually want this and he should respect that upon the chance that this very likely could be the Real Aphmau right now using weirdo Irene magic to appear in his head. He doesn’t hesitate or check with her or even confess his feelings beforehand, he doesn’t just. fucking tell her how he feels like a normal human being, he just grabs her face and forces a kiss, because that’s what he wants. Again, because that’s what serves him in the moment. And that’s…his priority above all else, including and especially Aphmau’s own boundaries

Also I can’t help but laugh in his face when he talks to Aphmau about how he’s upset that Laurance got all this time to bond with Aphmau and grow close to her as a friend when he didn’t. My guy he got the opportunity to do that because you left and forced Aphmau and Laurance to only depend on each other in a dire time of need, because you were being too petty of a bitch to try to talk to them lmao. Like my guy you not getting closer to Aphmau is 1000% your own fault, you have NO room to complain lmao

maybe Aphmau should be allowed to be at least a liiiiittle angry with Garroth for costing her 15 years of her childrens’ childhoods and all of her friends and relationships and loved ones (and an eternity with Zoey) all because he was the pettiest fucking bitch known to man. she should be allowed to be at least a teensy bit angry with him for it. Laurance also lost another dad in the timeskip I feel like that’d be more than enough reason to have beef with Garroth’s arrogant prick ass lmao

Garroth’s sole drive is himself, at times very much at the cost of those around him. His moral code is very relative, and yet to him it seems like the hardest line in the world. He’s not a bad person, but he’s not terrific either. I would love to see a take on Garroth as a more fully fledged villain though, following his worst behaviors in canon. A Garroth that highlights his more arrogant and selfish tendencies, that puts them on display and makes him look more like his father by the day. A Garroth that’s cold, who will drop you like a hat and leave you to rot when you don’t give him what he wants, a Garroth whose a territorial and possessive and controlling partner who hates the idea of you so much as speaking to any other men. Who will punish you and refuse to speak to you and abandon you if you do. A Garroth who’s very much capable of being back-handed and passive aggressive and really fucking mean. A Garroth whose morality on occasion seems to be admirably upright and pure, only for him to side with the most evil and corrupt of men because that’s what benefits him more in the moment. A Garroth who’s a hypocrite and fucking lying to himself. A Garroth that takes what he wants without any regard for your own personal desires. All his worst personality traits bumped up to a nine, so they outweigh all of the other good traits that would normally balance them out. A Garroth who believes honor is relative, whose morals are relative, whose loyalties will change at the turn of a dime, depending on which side will give him what he wants more. Because he believes he deserves what he wants, he’s earned what he wants, and if you deny him that, you are deserving of whatever punishment comes your way. You are the one in the wrong, for taking away his rightfully deserved prizes, and he will never apologize for lashing out because of it. He is childish and emotionally immature, he doesn’t communicate, he doesn’t trust, he doesn’t open up, he stays in his castle of solitude, because he’s chased away all the people he could fill his halls with, for petty reasons and slightest faults. And at the end of the day, he’ll look himself in the mirror, and it’ll never occur to him, not once, that it was his fault for making them leave. It was his fault that he never got the happy future he wanted.

[good-beans]

This is depressing but I have a HC that Fuuta’s mother had died shortly after she and his father divorced, and his dad never told him nor his sister about it.

HEY. HEYYYYY. 😭 I GUESS I’LL JUST CRY THEN

From a thematic standpoint this makes me crazy because one of Fuuta’s big themes is invasion of privacy (stalking/doxxing someone and now being afraid of prying eyes) – so such a major gap in information is extra painful. It would be so easy for him to look her up and find out what happened! He could have the whole story in a few minutes, with a few clicks! But he doesn’t, and his father knew he wouldn’t. Whatever happened between her and the Kajiyama family was bad enough that Fuuta refuses to look into her at all. It’s clear he’s emotionally avoidant, and it’d make sense that he avoids any thoughts of her after she’s gone. This makes his interrogation question even more heartbreaking, since he’s finally facing his emotions head-on, no matter how painful they may be. He’s finally growing and changing and ready to admit to his failures/needs, and it’s waaaay too late. 

On the other hand, you mentioned a version where she dies while he's in Milgram, neither of them aware of what's happening to the other. I am so emotional about the prisoners’ families on the outside ;---;

Even if they aren’t great support systems, it breaks my heart thinking of them worrying themselves sick over their loved one’s sudden disappearance. I don’t think Yuno’s family knew about her nighttime activities, but either way their young daughter is gone and there’s so many horrible possibilities it could have been. If the Kusunoki parents heard that Muu’s friend was stabbed and their teen daughter was missing, what awful conclusions must they come to about her getting killed/kidnapped? Shidou’s relatives and coworkers hear about the accident, and then never hear back from him. They know what kind of mindset he was in, and know what that means. Similarly, when Mahiru’s family hears her boyfriend’s body was recovered after a suicide, and no one has heard from their daughter, there’s really one likely outcome. Mikoto promises to come home, but he never shows. His sister cries reading reports of bloody murders at the train station where he makes his daily commute. Kotoko’s family (and maybe Lucky herself) know that she got involved with a powerful family accused of kidnapping. So when she’s gone without a trace, they must be wracked with grief that they finally got their revenge. 

All that to say, Fuuta’s family is equally heartbroken when their son, just having turned twenty a few days ago, doesn’t make it home to celebrate. His mother gets her first call from the family in years, and instead of good news, they tell her that her little boy is gone. I don’t know how you pictured her dying, but if she was in a bad state now, this could definitely be the thing that pushes her over the edge. Now, when Fuuta returns to his life, he’ll discover another death that happened “because” of him. Even if his father and sister don’t blame him for disappearing, I can’t imagine him shrugging off that guilt so easily…

In conclusion. OUCH.